Spring!

Happy Spring! I have been MIA from this blog for a long long time because I'm too busy enjoying the beautiful weather! Our days have been filled with lots of outdoor activity when the weather permits it. Indoors we have been keeping quite busy with various projects and art we are inspired to create from being outside. So here is a little taste of our spring so far in pictures. Lots of playing, creating, sleeping, and snuggling : )  I hope your days have been inspiring, beautiful, fulfilling, and filled with light. 

Sa Ta Na Ma

                                           Birth, Life, Death, Rebirth.....SA TA NA MA
This is Kirtin Kriya, a meditation I do quite often in my Kundalini Yoga practice. It's wonderfully relaxing, cleansing, and uplifting. One of the reasons I practice Kundalini over all other forms of yoga is because it allows me to go inside of myself and pull out who I really am. I become strong, one with the universe and it's flow. I feel amazing inside and out.
I need to take up this meditation on a daily basis again, especially right now. I have been absent from most forms of communication lately and have sort of crawled into my turtle shell and have stayed there. I'm slowly coming out again and trying to get back on track. 
I lost a member of my family on Valentine's Day. Hence the reason for my blog title - Birth,Life,Death, Rebirth. Losing someone very close to me is causing me to examine life and death all over again and in a whole new way. Life as I knew it before Feb. 14 will never be the same for me. It's time to pull myself together and start thinking and reflecting. I feel ready for a renewal in my life. If I took one thing from my Aunt's death, it was to completely awaken and really LIVE. Just because you are alive doesn't meaning you are actually living. I saw in her how precious time really is as her body became too sick to survive on earth. I saw how incredible and brave and strong she was towards the end - how she left this world with grace and dignity. This has been on the forefront of my mind for the past two weeks  - I have been thinking about how much I want to be like her. I want to start NOW, not wait until something happens to me to make me realize how precious life is. You hear people saying those cliche lines all the time - life moves fast, stop and enjoy the little things...blah blah blah....do people actually do it? For real? I know before this I THOUGHT I was, but now I realized I'm really not living life to it's full potential. I hadn't examined the spiritual side of things enough. I haven't yet gotten my mind away from the fact that I'm not invincible....when you are young, you think that nothing can happen to you. You feel like the world is at your feet waiting patiently for you to decide what you want out of it. It's not true....it's total horse manure. 
So through the practice of meditation and my beloved Kundalini Yoga, I am hoping to find myself. Also through my continued studies in Buddhism and in keeping an open mind for all other spiritual beliefs, I hope to find comfort and peace. 
A Kundalini teacher I follow and learn from says, " When one door closes, another one opens". My Aunt's death was necessary for a greater purpose and I understand that now. She opened a door for me in my life - she showed me what it's like to fight, to live, to be strong, to always smile and be happy. She was an absolutely amazing soul, someone if you met you would never ever forget. She was respected and loved so much. Through her grace, beauty, and transformation in this life, I have learned just a little bit more about what it means to be a real, strong woman. To keep going and to really really really live. I know she is always here with me and I will continue to push on and upward in her honor. 

Move over Picasso, it's time for MY Blue Period!

I had some time to think in the shower just now. It's my favorite spot to really think with no interruptions...it's a private little space to mull things over while engaging in the business of getting oneself clean. Anyway, I thought about how I would love to sit down and write something profound, inspiring, ingenious, but alas, nothing of that sort came to mind. What I do want to share is my honesty about how I'm feeling lately. I'm not sure if by sharing this I will connect with anyone reading, but I sure hope you understand my perspective and feel some of the things I'm about to describe. 

I'm stuck in a rut right now- I'm having my blue period. That's what my father always called it when I got into one of my many "moods". I don't think that I can label it as depression because I'm pretty healthy overall and happy. I believe I'm just disappointed in myself. I hit 31 years of age on Jan 2 and I'm not taking it too well. Before you think, "OH GOD! That's so young!", save it because I have already heard it many many, many times.  I dreamed a long time ago that by the time I was 30 I would have accomplished so much more than I actually have. I remember being that little girl full of hopes, dreams, aspirations - I had such a different vision of myself and what I would become in the future. I'm not disappointed in becoming a mother AT ALL, so let's just set that record straight now. I love my boys more than life itself. I think BECAUSE of them, I feel like I should have so much more to show them. That they should have a well rounded mother who has seen the world, finished college, and have something going for her. 

I have passions and aspirations that are raging inside of me all the time. I just don't have the resources to see some of my most heartfelt dreams come true....right now anyway. Every single day that I sit at home, isolated from the rest of the world, I dream and dream and dream. I plan, plan plan. I look at college websites almost every single day - dreaming of attending them but then coming back down to reality when I see how much they cost. 

So this is my rut....I feel like I'm in limbo - stuck between the world of "What Cheryl wants to be and do, and What Cheryl is actually doing". 

The mommy end of things is wonderful - my boys show me everyday how to make life beautiful, interesting - how to play, how to not take oneself so seriously, how to enjoy every moment in time and keep dreaming away. But when they get tucked into bed at night and all is quiet in the house again, I'm left with myself and all of these skull crushing thoughts of what could be. 

I said a long time ago that I wish I was stupid so that I didn't know what I was missing....I said that about 7 years ago when I put my aspirations of finishing college and traveling the world aside to become a mother for the first time. Having Aidan changed my life and I didn't feel like that anymore while I watched him grow and learn and become a beautiful part of this world. I still don't really believe that anymore now having a second child and being home for both of the kids. I think that the biggest war I'm fighting inside of me as of late is wondering when I will become a different label....not just Stay At Home Mother. Believe me, I'm very very grateful for the opportunity to be here with them as their sole teacher and provider. I wouldn't have it any other way....but in all honesty, sometimes, you just want MORE. Don't you? Or am I alone on this?  Sometimes I have so many dreams of the possibilities for myself that I feel like the walls of my house cannot contain me...that my insides are going to explode into the universe and I will be everywhere all at once. I look at the faces of my children and they are what brings me back down to reality. Even if I did set out to go to an art school like I dream of doing, I would be taking time away from them. I don't want to be one of those mothers who has to lock herself in a room and ignore her children just to do school work. I would be missing so much of their lives and they would resent me for being so close, yet out of reach. I would not be able to be here for them when they cry for me or need help with homework or want me to play with them. That would bother me beyond any of this other crap I just talked about. 

But still....the pull.....Do I try to make myself happy by fulfilling some of my dreams or do I make my children's lives happy by being ever so present in every single one of their moments this early in their lives? That is the most difficult question to ask oneself and when I answer it, I was always end up choosing them. 

I still have so much to learn, I still have so much growing to do. I feel like hitting thirty for a woman is a tremendous milestone. This is the time where we start to ask ourselves heavy questions and start getting so serious about ourselves and the course we have chosen to take in our lives. 

So I'm going to end it there because I feel like I'm rambling now. To the three of you who actually read my scattered thoughts, thank you.... : ) 

It really is the little things.....

All is quiet in my house right at this moment in time. The holidays are over, my birthday has come and gone, and our endless hours on the road to see our loved ones are behind us. Now is the time to reflect. Now it's time to go back over in my head all the great times we had over the past few weeks and forget about the madness that is now at rest. We are getting back into our routines again and all is well in our world. I'm so lucky to have shared the holidays with my husband's family and my own. I'm so grateful that we were able to make the trip home to NH after two very long years of not being able to go because of our  money situation.
Now I'm quite humbled. The house is finally getting back to normal due to my whirlwind cleaning spree since Monday morning. The tree is gone, the decorations put away, everything has been tidied up and the presents all have a home now. Life is getting on as usual and to be quite honest, it feels so darn good! I love the holidays as much as anyone, but I MISSED this quiet. I missed this time to just be at peace while the baby naps. I missed writing, doing art projects with my Aidan and art for myself. I missed just sitting on my laptop for an hour and browsing the web for books and recipes. I'm amazed at myself for getting so "busy". I tried so hard to resist the stress of the holidays, but there really was no escaping it and I got sucked in. In the end, it's so worth it! To see how happy the children were on our Christmas morning, to watch the faces of my loved ones light up when they saw us, that's what makes it special for me.
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions....I never have. I believe in living each day as it comes and doing the best that I can in that day. I don't like making plans and I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. I make the absolute best choices as I see fit on a daily basis and live in peace. However, if there is one thing that I can say I want to change for 2011, it's to make a conscience effort to keep this feeling I currently have alive. To be fully IN THE MOMENT. To observe everything around me and learn as much I can without talking. To fully listen to people and to enjoy quiet times such as these. I could never take a vow of silence because that would just be insane and impossible for me to do. I wish I could though because it seems so ideal to me.
I read somewhere a long time ago that a wise person knows how to listen instead of speak. Don't you think that listening is the one of the most difficult things a person can master? How much do you actually listen, honestly? We are so busy trying to get our own needs fulfilled and having to roll things off our own backs when the stress kicks in, that we don't realize we aren't listening or paying attention to anything around us. My one promise to myself this year is to do just that....listen....carefully....every single year, until the end.

This is where I find my peace & happiness

My husband and my children 

Together we are so free and happy

May the New Year bring you much peace, knowledge, good health, and love.

In Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite time of year! Why? Because I enjoy sitting around the large antique table in my Grandparent's home eating, talking, laughing, and sharing with one another what we are thankful for in life. We say prayers, some members recite poems that they have written, or sometimes we share a piece of beautiful writing found elsewhere that symbolizes how we feel. It's a slow day filled with nothing but conversation and togetherness. It's perfect.
I lost my dear Aunt Glady this summer. She was the eldest member of our family and the kindest, gentlest soul that you would ever meet. She was missed so much this year.
On Thanksgiving day, I was taken to her now empty house ( which is for sale ) to collect some things I had put aside in the basement. I put aside family heirlooms and some of Glady's treasures that I wanted to keep to remember her. There was one thing in particular that was set aside that I had forgotten about - a shoe box filled with letters. My Aunt Glady saved everything! She lived in that house for over 45 years and it was packed corner to corner with stuff. She never threw anything away. When the house was being cleaned out to get it ready to sell, my Aunt Lynne came across a shoe box of letters that were written by myself and my brother to my Aunt Glady when we were children. We lived away from my family in other states for a long time. We went from being together all the time, to never getting to see them. My Aunt Glady, my Grandparents, and my Dad's sisters were an enormous part of our lives and we loved them so much. My Mother moved us around from state to state and kept us apart from them for a long time.
So, what did we do to keep in touch? We wrote letters....on actual paper, with our own hands...and put a stamp on the envelope and mailed it! This is such a foreign concept to children today. Glady saved our letters and I like to think it was to preserve a little time capsule for us.
Needless to say, when we got home from Thanksgiving this weekend, I put the kids to bed and pulled out that shoe box. I sat on the couch with my tea and read letter after letter. I would by lying if I said that it didn't bother me too much. It did. My brother and I led such a rough life with my mother. Without getting into too much detail in this one post, lets just say my mother was an abusive, nasty, selfish woman who reminded us daily that we should never have been born. I was so sad to read those letters because it brought back bad memories of this sad little girl who missed her family so much. At the end of each letter to Glady, I drew hearts and smiley faces and told her I loved her so much and that I missed her.
I almost feel like that little girl again as I'm starting to lose members of this amazing family I'm lucky to be a part of.
But....I must find the positive in those letters....and it is this :  I'm so incredibly grateful that I finally made it back to my family when I was 14 years old. I'm so thankful for everything that they have done for me and continue to do for me now. I realize that I took a bad situation and turned it around.....I didn't turn out to be an abusive mother. I'm quite the opposite - I love my children more than life itself and I would do anything for them. But most of all, I'm grateful for all the little things in life. I know that sounds cliche, but when you live a rough life as a child, you do see the world a little differently. As a victim of child abuse and now a mother, I can tell you with absolute certainty that a hurtful word can be carried a lot farther than a blow to the body. I honestly can say that I would rather get hit a million times than to have to endure the mental abuse. That never, ever goes away.
So Aunt Glady, this is for you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there for me and for helping us through our tough times. You clothed me, send us care packages, and kept our spirits alive when there seemed to be no hope. I am most thankful for you and for what you have instilled in me. I will carry your spirit and keep it alive for as long as I'm on this earth.

Santa, you are lucky to have a job in this economy!

This year I told my oldest son Aidan that Santa is struggling financially. I explained to him that there are a lot of people out there losing their homes and jobs and that times are tough for most. Santa is feeling the recession once again and Aidan knows not to expect much for Xmas again this year.

But that's OK by me! Don't get me wrong, I feel like a piece of crap for not being able to give the boys an amazing Christmas material-wise..... BUT......they will know the true meaning and spirit of this time of year because we have each other. That's something money cannot buy - a loving, stable family life.

Aidan is at the age now where he's beginning to understand things on a deeper level. I tell him everyday how lucky he is to be living in a nice town, going to a fantastic school ( for free! ) and having a nice roof over his head. He's such an amazing little boy with a depth to him that is too mature for his short 6 years on this earth. He looks at me with all knowing eyes and tells me that he understands how lucky he is. We talk about the other children around the world and in our own country -the ones who are not as fortunate as he. We talk about the children whose parents have lost their jobs and their homes, how they are living in homeless shelters, hotel rooms, and on the streets.

I believe in being roughly 90% honest with him at all times. The other 10% of the time I want to protect him from things that he is too young for yet. I believe growing up this way, knowing the truth about your parents and what they are sacrificing for you, builds a strong character. I don't want him to have a cookie cutter distorted view of things. He needs to know that we don't have money. My husband works hard to put food on the table ( which is so damn expensive in itself, but more about that later! ) pay rent and bills. I tell him what his Stepfather has to go through everyday just to get to his job. I tell him to thank his Stepfather often for what he does for us and he does.

So this year, just like last year, we will not be in the mall with everyone else...trapped in the commercial frenzy that has become Christmas. We will be home - relaxing, enjoying each other, making things for each other and to decorate our home in spirit of the season. The boys will have a few things to open on Christmas day...and they will treasure those things, I'm sure.

Christmas is at the forefront of my mind because it's already all around you when you step outside! I have to rant here for a minute (as my husband calls it) because I'm quite bothered by all the pressure around me to hurry up and start thinking about Christmas! Yesterday I drove through town and they already have the Christmas decorations up! I heard a Christmas song on the radio while I was driving and looking at the gorgeous fall foliage around me. When that happened, my insides felt a little off. My seasonal inner time clock sort of went nutty at that point. We haven't even celebrated my absolute favorite holiday yet - THANKSGIVING!! Already I am having Christmas shoved down my throat in every possible way. Even my neighbors put up Christmas lights already!

I blame retail. I really do. Everyone gets so caught up in all the information the retail giants are forcing into your mind through commercials on TV, flyers in the mail, sales that are just "too wonderful to pass up".

What happened to listening to your own inner instincts and following the seasons? I think it's quite ironic to see beautiful fall colors and Christmas lights at the SAME TIME. It's really screwing with my head.

Slow down. That's all I have to say. Just get into a rhythm, turn off the damn TV, put those annoying sales flyers in the recycling bin as soon as you get them, and just live, breathe, be. I love overhearing people say how stressed out they get around this time of year. For what? What is it worth? Those people are putting pressure on themselves...striving for a perfection that doesn't exist. Just go with it. Enjoy the time, the season, and the flow.

Ok....off my soapbox.....for now........

Disclaimer :

Please don't take me seriously....only take what I say seriously if you want to. These are my opinions, thoughts, and views on life in general. I don't think of anyone in particular when I write words like these. I have to say that because people get so easily offended these days! Just covering my ass like the smart girl I was raised to be! : ) xoxo

Scrubbing drip pans for the stove is a pain in the ass...

I can think of a few ways to spend my one whole hour to myself while my little one naps than scrubbing those wretched drip pans! However, it's got to be done and I find myself constantly using what little time I have to do silly things like this. When will I ever learn that sometimes it's necessary to just take an hour and chill? Catch up on some reading, do a drawing, write, knit, whatever strikes my fancy! No, I have a bug up my ass and everything has to be clean, organized, and pretty. Because I'm just that way.

Welcome.....I have been following blogs for a few years now and find myself becoming quite bored with the cuteness of how stay home mothers make their world look so easy and so magical everyday. I tryto be that way, but damn, I'm only human! I'm only one mother with two arms. How in the hell can you bake, clean, do art projects, knit, homeschool, feed livestock, read, and take time to photograph it all in one day??? I mean, seriously! My camera is lovely, and I love to take pictures of my kids, but most of the time it's collecting dust on my desk and I'm too busy BEING in the moment to realize that I have to snap a picture to make all the other Moms out there envy my magical life with my children.

Ok, I will get off my cynical horse now.

I am inspired to finally chronicle my true and honest thoughts by a few blogs I have followed lately. I think I may have found two blogs out of the hundreds I have looked at that I can finally sit and relax with - these people are feeling my pain, they are living my life, they know what it's like. They aren't sugar coating it and they aren't making it look easy. It's not. Life with kids is challenging and anyone who makes you believe that they are magically getting all the above things done in one day and having time to nurture their children are fooling you. I pick 3 things that are most important for the day and I stick with those things. Usually it ends up being 4 things because I can't escape washing nasty dishes and that's not something I want to put on my list for the day : )