Spring!

Happy Spring! I have been MIA from this blog for a long long time because I'm too busy enjoying the beautiful weather! Our days have been filled with lots of outdoor activity when the weather permits it. Indoors we have been keeping quite busy with various projects and art we are inspired to create from being outside. So here is a little taste of our spring so far in pictures. Lots of playing, creating, sleeping, and snuggling : )  I hope your days have been inspiring, beautiful, fulfilling, and filled with light. 

Sa Ta Na Ma

                                           Birth, Life, Death, Rebirth.....SA TA NA MA
This is Kirtin Kriya, a meditation I do quite often in my Kundalini Yoga practice. It's wonderfully relaxing, cleansing, and uplifting. One of the reasons I practice Kundalini over all other forms of yoga is because it allows me to go inside of myself and pull out who I really am. I become strong, one with the universe and it's flow. I feel amazing inside and out.
I need to take up this meditation on a daily basis again, especially right now. I have been absent from most forms of communication lately and have sort of crawled into my turtle shell and have stayed there. I'm slowly coming out again and trying to get back on track. 
I lost a member of my family on Valentine's Day. Hence the reason for my blog title - Birth,Life,Death, Rebirth. Losing someone very close to me is causing me to examine life and death all over again and in a whole new way. Life as I knew it before Feb. 14 will never be the same for me. It's time to pull myself together and start thinking and reflecting. I feel ready for a renewal in my life. If I took one thing from my Aunt's death, it was to completely awaken and really LIVE. Just because you are alive doesn't meaning you are actually living. I saw in her how precious time really is as her body became too sick to survive on earth. I saw how incredible and brave and strong she was towards the end - how she left this world with grace and dignity. This has been on the forefront of my mind for the past two weeks  - I have been thinking about how much I want to be like her. I want to start NOW, not wait until something happens to me to make me realize how precious life is. You hear people saying those cliche lines all the time - life moves fast, stop and enjoy the little things...blah blah blah....do people actually do it? For real? I know before this I THOUGHT I was, but now I realized I'm really not living life to it's full potential. I hadn't examined the spiritual side of things enough. I haven't yet gotten my mind away from the fact that I'm not invincible....when you are young, you think that nothing can happen to you. You feel like the world is at your feet waiting patiently for you to decide what you want out of it. It's not true....it's total horse manure. 
So through the practice of meditation and my beloved Kundalini Yoga, I am hoping to find myself. Also through my continued studies in Buddhism and in keeping an open mind for all other spiritual beliefs, I hope to find comfort and peace. 
A Kundalini teacher I follow and learn from says, " When one door closes, another one opens". My Aunt's death was necessary for a greater purpose and I understand that now. She opened a door for me in my life - she showed me what it's like to fight, to live, to be strong, to always smile and be happy. She was an absolutely amazing soul, someone if you met you would never ever forget. She was respected and loved so much. Through her grace, beauty, and transformation in this life, I have learned just a little bit more about what it means to be a real, strong woman. To keep going and to really really really live. I know she is always here with me and I will continue to push on and upward in her honor. 

Move over Picasso, it's time for MY Blue Period!

I had some time to think in the shower just now. It's my favorite spot to really think with no interruptions...it's a private little space to mull things over while engaging in the business of getting oneself clean. Anyway, I thought about how I would love to sit down and write something profound, inspiring, ingenious, but alas, nothing of that sort came to mind. What I do want to share is my honesty about how I'm feeling lately. I'm not sure if by sharing this I will connect with anyone reading, but I sure hope you understand my perspective and feel some of the things I'm about to describe. 

I'm stuck in a rut right now- I'm having my blue period. That's what my father always called it when I got into one of my many "moods". I don't think that I can label it as depression because I'm pretty healthy overall and happy. I believe I'm just disappointed in myself. I hit 31 years of age on Jan 2 and I'm not taking it too well. Before you think, "OH GOD! That's so young!", save it because I have already heard it many many, many times.  I dreamed a long time ago that by the time I was 30 I would have accomplished so much more than I actually have. I remember being that little girl full of hopes, dreams, aspirations - I had such a different vision of myself and what I would become in the future. I'm not disappointed in becoming a mother AT ALL, so let's just set that record straight now. I love my boys more than life itself. I think BECAUSE of them, I feel like I should have so much more to show them. That they should have a well rounded mother who has seen the world, finished college, and have something going for her. 

I have passions and aspirations that are raging inside of me all the time. I just don't have the resources to see some of my most heartfelt dreams come true....right now anyway. Every single day that I sit at home, isolated from the rest of the world, I dream and dream and dream. I plan, plan plan. I look at college websites almost every single day - dreaming of attending them but then coming back down to reality when I see how much they cost. 

So this is my rut....I feel like I'm in limbo - stuck between the world of "What Cheryl wants to be and do, and What Cheryl is actually doing". 

The mommy end of things is wonderful - my boys show me everyday how to make life beautiful, interesting - how to play, how to not take oneself so seriously, how to enjoy every moment in time and keep dreaming away. But when they get tucked into bed at night and all is quiet in the house again, I'm left with myself and all of these skull crushing thoughts of what could be. 

I said a long time ago that I wish I was stupid so that I didn't know what I was missing....I said that about 7 years ago when I put my aspirations of finishing college and traveling the world aside to become a mother for the first time. Having Aidan changed my life and I didn't feel like that anymore while I watched him grow and learn and become a beautiful part of this world. I still don't really believe that anymore now having a second child and being home for both of the kids. I think that the biggest war I'm fighting inside of me as of late is wondering when I will become a different label....not just Stay At Home Mother. Believe me, I'm very very grateful for the opportunity to be here with them as their sole teacher and provider. I wouldn't have it any other way....but in all honesty, sometimes, you just want MORE. Don't you? Or am I alone on this?  Sometimes I have so many dreams of the possibilities for myself that I feel like the walls of my house cannot contain me...that my insides are going to explode into the universe and I will be everywhere all at once. I look at the faces of my children and they are what brings me back down to reality. Even if I did set out to go to an art school like I dream of doing, I would be taking time away from them. I don't want to be one of those mothers who has to lock herself in a room and ignore her children just to do school work. I would be missing so much of their lives and they would resent me for being so close, yet out of reach. I would not be able to be here for them when they cry for me or need help with homework or want me to play with them. That would bother me beyond any of this other crap I just talked about. 

But still....the pull.....Do I try to make myself happy by fulfilling some of my dreams or do I make my children's lives happy by being ever so present in every single one of their moments this early in their lives? That is the most difficult question to ask oneself and when I answer it, I was always end up choosing them. 

I still have so much to learn, I still have so much growing to do. I feel like hitting thirty for a woman is a tremendous milestone. This is the time where we start to ask ourselves heavy questions and start getting so serious about ourselves and the course we have chosen to take in our lives. 

So I'm going to end it there because I feel like I'm rambling now. To the three of you who actually read my scattered thoughts, thank you.... : ) 

It really is the little things.....

All is quiet in my house right at this moment in time. The holidays are over, my birthday has come and gone, and our endless hours on the road to see our loved ones are behind us. Now is the time to reflect. Now it's time to go back over in my head all the great times we had over the past few weeks and forget about the madness that is now at rest. We are getting back into our routines again and all is well in our world. I'm so lucky to have shared the holidays with my husband's family and my own. I'm so grateful that we were able to make the trip home to NH after two very long years of not being able to go because of our  money situation.
Now I'm quite humbled. The house is finally getting back to normal due to my whirlwind cleaning spree since Monday morning. The tree is gone, the decorations put away, everything has been tidied up and the presents all have a home now. Life is getting on as usual and to be quite honest, it feels so darn good! I love the holidays as much as anyone, but I MISSED this quiet. I missed this time to just be at peace while the baby naps. I missed writing, doing art projects with my Aidan and art for myself. I missed just sitting on my laptop for an hour and browsing the web for books and recipes. I'm amazed at myself for getting so "busy". I tried so hard to resist the stress of the holidays, but there really was no escaping it and I got sucked in. In the end, it's so worth it! To see how happy the children were on our Christmas morning, to watch the faces of my loved ones light up when they saw us, that's what makes it special for me.
I don't believe in New Years Resolutions....I never have. I believe in living each day as it comes and doing the best that I can in that day. I don't like making plans and I don't like to set myself up for disappointment. I make the absolute best choices as I see fit on a daily basis and live in peace. However, if there is one thing that I can say I want to change for 2011, it's to make a conscience effort to keep this feeling I currently have alive. To be fully IN THE MOMENT. To observe everything around me and learn as much I can without talking. To fully listen to people and to enjoy quiet times such as these. I could never take a vow of silence because that would just be insane and impossible for me to do. I wish I could though because it seems so ideal to me.
I read somewhere a long time ago that a wise person knows how to listen instead of speak. Don't you think that listening is the one of the most difficult things a person can master? How much do you actually listen, honestly? We are so busy trying to get our own needs fulfilled and having to roll things off our own backs when the stress kicks in, that we don't realize we aren't listening or paying attention to anything around us. My one promise to myself this year is to do just that....listen....carefully....every single year, until the end.

This is where I find my peace & happiness

My husband and my children 

Together we are so free and happy

May the New Year bring you much peace, knowledge, good health, and love.