In Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite time of year! Why? Because I enjoy sitting around the large antique table in my Grandparent's home eating, talking, laughing, and sharing with one another what we are thankful for in life. We say prayers, some members recite poems that they have written, or sometimes we share a piece of beautiful writing found elsewhere that symbolizes how we feel. It's a slow day filled with nothing but conversation and togetherness. It's perfect.
I lost my dear Aunt Glady this summer. She was the eldest member of our family and the kindest, gentlest soul that you would ever meet. She was missed so much this year.
On Thanksgiving day, I was taken to her now empty house ( which is for sale ) to collect some things I had put aside in the basement. I put aside family heirlooms and some of Glady's treasures that I wanted to keep to remember her. There was one thing in particular that was set aside that I had forgotten about - a shoe box filled with letters. My Aunt Glady saved everything! She lived in that house for over 45 years and it was packed corner to corner with stuff. She never threw anything away. When the house was being cleaned out to get it ready to sell, my Aunt Lynne came across a shoe box of letters that were written by myself and my brother to my Aunt Glady when we were children. We lived away from my family in other states for a long time. We went from being together all the time, to never getting to see them. My Aunt Glady, my Grandparents, and my Dad's sisters were an enormous part of our lives and we loved them so much. My Mother moved us around from state to state and kept us apart from them for a long time.
So, what did we do to keep in touch? We wrote letters....on actual paper, with our own hands...and put a stamp on the envelope and mailed it! This is such a foreign concept to children today. Glady saved our letters and I like to think it was to preserve a little time capsule for us.
Needless to say, when we got home from Thanksgiving this weekend, I put the kids to bed and pulled out that shoe box. I sat on the couch with my tea and read letter after letter. I would by lying if I said that it didn't bother me too much. It did. My brother and I led such a rough life with my mother. Without getting into too much detail in this one post, lets just say my mother was an abusive, nasty, selfish woman who reminded us daily that we should never have been born. I was so sad to read those letters because it brought back bad memories of this sad little girl who missed her family so much. At the end of each letter to Glady, I drew hearts and smiley faces and told her I loved her so much and that I missed her.
I almost feel like that little girl again as I'm starting to lose members of this amazing family I'm lucky to be a part of.
But....I must find the positive in those letters....and it is this :  I'm so incredibly grateful that I finally made it back to my family when I was 14 years old. I'm so thankful for everything that they have done for me and continue to do for me now. I realize that I took a bad situation and turned it around.....I didn't turn out to be an abusive mother. I'm quite the opposite - I love my children more than life itself and I would do anything for them. But most of all, I'm grateful for all the little things in life. I know that sounds cliche, but when you live a rough life as a child, you do see the world a little differently. As a victim of child abuse and now a mother, I can tell you with absolute certainty that a hurtful word can be carried a lot farther than a blow to the body. I honestly can say that I would rather get hit a million times than to have to endure the mental abuse. That never, ever goes away.
So Aunt Glady, this is for you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being there for me and for helping us through our tough times. You clothed me, send us care packages, and kept our spirits alive when there seemed to be no hope. I am most thankful for you and for what you have instilled in me. I will carry your spirit and keep it alive for as long as I'm on this earth.

Santa, you are lucky to have a job in this economy!

This year I told my oldest son Aidan that Santa is struggling financially. I explained to him that there are a lot of people out there losing their homes and jobs and that times are tough for most. Santa is feeling the recession once again and Aidan knows not to expect much for Xmas again this year.

But that's OK by me! Don't get me wrong, I feel like a piece of crap for not being able to give the boys an amazing Christmas material-wise..... BUT......they will know the true meaning and spirit of this time of year because we have each other. That's something money cannot buy - a loving, stable family life.

Aidan is at the age now where he's beginning to understand things on a deeper level. I tell him everyday how lucky he is to be living in a nice town, going to a fantastic school ( for free! ) and having a nice roof over his head. He's such an amazing little boy with a depth to him that is too mature for his short 6 years on this earth. He looks at me with all knowing eyes and tells me that he understands how lucky he is. We talk about the other children around the world and in our own country -the ones who are not as fortunate as he. We talk about the children whose parents have lost their jobs and their homes, how they are living in homeless shelters, hotel rooms, and on the streets.

I believe in being roughly 90% honest with him at all times. The other 10% of the time I want to protect him from things that he is too young for yet. I believe growing up this way, knowing the truth about your parents and what they are sacrificing for you, builds a strong character. I don't want him to have a cookie cutter distorted view of things. He needs to know that we don't have money. My husband works hard to put food on the table ( which is so damn expensive in itself, but more about that later! ) pay rent and bills. I tell him what his Stepfather has to go through everyday just to get to his job. I tell him to thank his Stepfather often for what he does for us and he does.

So this year, just like last year, we will not be in the mall with everyone else...trapped in the commercial frenzy that has become Christmas. We will be home - relaxing, enjoying each other, making things for each other and to decorate our home in spirit of the season. The boys will have a few things to open on Christmas day...and they will treasure those things, I'm sure.

Christmas is at the forefront of my mind because it's already all around you when you step outside! I have to rant here for a minute (as my husband calls it) because I'm quite bothered by all the pressure around me to hurry up and start thinking about Christmas! Yesterday I drove through town and they already have the Christmas decorations up! I heard a Christmas song on the radio while I was driving and looking at the gorgeous fall foliage around me. When that happened, my insides felt a little off. My seasonal inner time clock sort of went nutty at that point. We haven't even celebrated my absolute favorite holiday yet - THANKSGIVING!! Already I am having Christmas shoved down my throat in every possible way. Even my neighbors put up Christmas lights already!

I blame retail. I really do. Everyone gets so caught up in all the information the retail giants are forcing into your mind through commercials on TV, flyers in the mail, sales that are just "too wonderful to pass up".

What happened to listening to your own inner instincts and following the seasons? I think it's quite ironic to see beautiful fall colors and Christmas lights at the SAME TIME. It's really screwing with my head.

Slow down. That's all I have to say. Just get into a rhythm, turn off the damn TV, put those annoying sales flyers in the recycling bin as soon as you get them, and just live, breathe, be. I love overhearing people say how stressed out they get around this time of year. For what? What is it worth? Those people are putting pressure on themselves...striving for a perfection that doesn't exist. Just go with it. Enjoy the time, the season, and the flow.

Ok....off my soapbox.....for now........

Disclaimer :

Please don't take me seriously....only take what I say seriously if you want to. These are my opinions, thoughts, and views on life in general. I don't think of anyone in particular when I write words like these. I have to say that because people get so easily offended these days! Just covering my ass like the smart girl I was raised to be! : ) xoxo

Scrubbing drip pans for the stove is a pain in the ass...

I can think of a few ways to spend my one whole hour to myself while my little one naps than scrubbing those wretched drip pans! However, it's got to be done and I find myself constantly using what little time I have to do silly things like this. When will I ever learn that sometimes it's necessary to just take an hour and chill? Catch up on some reading, do a drawing, write, knit, whatever strikes my fancy! No, I have a bug up my ass and everything has to be clean, organized, and pretty. Because I'm just that way.

Welcome.....I have been following blogs for a few years now and find myself becoming quite bored with the cuteness of how stay home mothers make their world look so easy and so magical everyday. I tryto be that way, but damn, I'm only human! I'm only one mother with two arms. How in the hell can you bake, clean, do art projects, knit, homeschool, feed livestock, read, and take time to photograph it all in one day??? I mean, seriously! My camera is lovely, and I love to take pictures of my kids, but most of the time it's collecting dust on my desk and I'm too busy BEING in the moment to realize that I have to snap a picture to make all the other Moms out there envy my magical life with my children.

Ok, I will get off my cynical horse now.

I am inspired to finally chronicle my true and honest thoughts by a few blogs I have followed lately. I think I may have found two blogs out of the hundreds I have looked at that I can finally sit and relax with - these people are feeling my pain, they are living my life, they know what it's like. They aren't sugar coating it and they aren't making it look easy. It's not. Life with kids is challenging and anyone who makes you believe that they are magically getting all the above things done in one day and having time to nurture their children are fooling you. I pick 3 things that are most important for the day and I stick with those things. Usually it ends up being 4 things because I can't escape washing nasty dishes and that's not something I want to put on my list for the day : )