I'm stuck in a rut right now- I'm having my blue period. That's what my father always called it when I got into one of my many "moods". I don't think that I can label it as depression because I'm pretty healthy overall and happy. I believe I'm just disappointed in myself. I hit 31 years of age on Jan 2 and I'm not taking it too well. Before you think, "OH GOD! That's so young!", save it because I have already heard it many many, many times. I dreamed a long time ago that by the time I was 30 I would have accomplished so much more than I actually have. I remember being that little girl full of hopes, dreams, aspirations - I had such a different vision of myself and what I would become in the future. I'm not disappointed in becoming a mother AT ALL, so let's just set that record straight now. I love my boys more than life itself. I think BECAUSE of them, I feel like I should have so much more to show them. That they should have a well rounded mother who has seen the world, finished college, and have something going for her.
I have passions and aspirations that are raging inside of me all the time. I just don't have the resources to see some of my most heartfelt dreams come true....right now anyway. Every single day that I sit at home, isolated from the rest of the world, I dream and dream and dream. I plan, plan plan. I look at college websites almost every single day - dreaming of attending them but then coming back down to reality when I see how much they cost.
So this is my rut....I feel like I'm in limbo - stuck between the world of "What Cheryl wants to be and do, and What Cheryl is actually doing".
The mommy end of things is wonderful - my boys show me everyday how to make life beautiful, interesting - how to play, how to not take oneself so seriously, how to enjoy every moment in time and keep dreaming away. But when they get tucked into bed at night and all is quiet in the house again, I'm left with myself and all of these skull crushing thoughts of what could be.
I said a long time ago that I wish I was stupid so that I didn't know what I was missing....I said that about 7 years ago when I put my aspirations of finishing college and traveling the world aside to become a mother for the first time. Having Aidan changed my life and I didn't feel like that anymore while I watched him grow and learn and become a beautiful part of this world. I still don't really believe that anymore now having a second child and being home for both of the kids. I think that the biggest war I'm fighting inside of me as of late is wondering when I will become a different label....not just Stay At Home Mother. Believe me, I'm very very grateful for the opportunity to be here with them as their sole teacher and provider. I wouldn't have it any other way....but in all honesty, sometimes, you just want MORE. Don't you? Or am I alone on this? Sometimes I have so many dreams of the possibilities for myself that I feel like the walls of my house cannot contain me...that my insides are going to explode into the universe and I will be everywhere all at once. I look at the faces of my children and they are what brings me back down to reality. Even if I did set out to go to an art school like I dream of doing, I would be taking time away from them. I don't want to be one of those mothers who has to lock herself in a room and ignore her children just to do school work. I would be missing so much of their lives and they would resent me for being so close, yet out of reach. I would not be able to be here for them when they cry for me or need help with homework or want me to play with them. That would bother me beyond any of this other crap I just talked about.
But still....the pull.....Do I try to make myself happy by fulfilling some of my dreams or do I make my children's lives happy by being ever so present in every single one of their moments this early in their lives? That is the most difficult question to ask oneself and when I answer it, I was always end up choosing them.
I still have so much to learn, I still have so much growing to do. I feel like hitting thirty for a woman is a tremendous milestone. This is the time where we start to ask ourselves heavy questions and start getting so serious about ourselves and the course we have chosen to take in our lives.
So I'm going to end it there because I feel like I'm rambling now. To the three of you who actually read my scattered thoughts, thank you.... : )
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